The Impact of Toxic Mothers on Adult Women - Entry by Jessica Wright
How Growing Up with a Toxic Mother Impacted Me
Growing up with a toxic mother is a reality that many women face, but it’s not often talked about openly. For me, it was a silent, ever-present weight—something I didn’t fully understand until much later in life. The lessons I learned, both intentional and unintentional, shaped who I was, how I saw myself, and how I approached relationships. Over time, I’ve come to realize that my story isn’t unique—God continues to bring stressed-out women into my counseling office who share similar experiences. The more we dig, the more we discover that toxic mother-daughter dynamics are at the root of their struggles with anxiety, boundaries, and self-worth.
The Early Signs of a Toxic Dynamic
As a child, I didn’t have the words to describe my relationship with my mother as toxic. She wasn’t overtly abusive or neglectful in a way that others could see. Instead, the toxicity was subtle and insidious. It was in the way she expected me to manage her emotions, the way my accomplishments were rarely celebrated, and the way I felt more like a caretaker than a daughter.
Her moods dictated the atmosphere of our home. On good days, there was a fragile peace. On bad days, I learned to walk on eggshells, doing everything I could to avoid setting her off. I internalized the idea that my worth was tied to how well I could keep her happy—a lesson that would follow me into adulthood.
The Emotional Toll
A Constant Sense of Responsibility
Growing up, I often felt like I was the adult in our relationship. My mother’s struggles with her own past trauma made her emotionally unpredictable, and I became her confidant and caretaker. While this taught me compassion, it also instilled in me a deep sense of responsibility for other people’s feelings—something that became overwhelming as I grew older.Low Self-Worth
My mother’s critical nature made me question my value. Compliments were rare, but critiques were plentiful. I was either too much or not enough, and it felt like I could never get it right. This made me overly self-critical and hesitant to pursue opportunities because I was terrified of failure.Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Boundaries were nonexistent in our relationship. I didn’t know it was okay to say “no” or prioritize my needs. Even as an adult, I found myself struggling to assert boundaries in friendships, work, and romantic relationships. I felt guilty for wanting space or time for myself.
Recognizing the Common Thread
Over the years, I’ve seen a pattern in my counseling practice. God continues to bring stressed-out women into my office who, on the surface, are overwhelmed by anxiety, conflict, or strained relationships. But as we dig deeper, a common thread emerges: a history of toxic dynamics with their mothers.
These women often describe:
Feeling responsible for their mother’s happiness.
Struggling to establish boundaries in adult relationships.
Wrestling with feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.
What I’ve come to understand is that these experiences don’t define them—but they do leave an imprint. The good news is that healing is possible with intentional work and faith.
The Turning Point: Recognizing the Cycle
It wasn’t until my late 20s that I began to recognize the toll my childhood had taken on me. I was constantly stressed, struggling with anxiety, and feeling like I had no control over my life. It was during therapy that I started to understand how my mother’s behavior had shaped my worldview—and how I was perpetuating the cycle in my own life.
One of the most important realizations I had was that my mother’s actions weren’t about me—they were a reflection of her own pain and unhealed wounds. This understanding didn’t excuse her behavior, but it allowed me to stop internalizing her actions as my fault.
The Journey to Healing
Setting Boundaries
Learning to say “no” was one of the hardest but most freeing lessons. For the first time, I prioritized my needs without guilt. This wasn’t easy—I faced pushback from my mother and others in my life—but it was necessary for my growth.Rebuilding Self-Worth
I worked to replace the critical voice in my head with one of self-compassion. I reminded myself daily that I was enough, just as I was. Surrounding myself with supportive people who celebrated me for who I was helped tremendously.Faith as a Guiding Light
My faith played a crucial role in my healing. Scripture reminded me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that my worth is defined by God, not by the words or actions of others. Prayer became my refuge, helping me release the anger and resentment I held onto for so long.Breaking the Cycle
My greatest motivation to heal was the desire to break the cycle for future generations. I didn’t want my own children to feel the same sense of inadequacy or responsibility that I had felt. Healing meant not only freeing myself but also creating a healthier legacy.
Why I’m Sharing My Story
I know I’m not alone in this journey. Many women have experienced the pain of a toxic mother-daughter relationship but feel isolated in their struggles. By sharing my story, I hope to help others feel seen and understood. More importantly, I want you to know that healing is possible.
If you’ve struggled with the impact of a toxic mother, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Whether it’s through counseling, support groups, or faith, there are tools and resources to help you move from stressed to blessed.
Take the Next Step
If this resonates with you, I invite you to join my Stressed to Blessed group in Vandalia. It’s a safe, supportive space where women can explore their experiences, share their stories, and begin the journey to healing. Together, we’ll learn how to set boundaries, rebuild self-worth, and reclaim our peace.